My Knight in Shining Armour

nce upon a time when internet was only new, the sound of dial-up rang through the air and you only used google when Encarta could not find the answer, there was a young girl bound in a contract by her father to partake in a hobby riddled with beards and anoraks.  In the hope of finding some sanity in the midst of all the un-coolness she happened upon a forum frequented by young cavaliers.  However, one day the evil baddie running the operation issued the doomed words “Service will resume shortly”.

It was in the midst of this I met the unlikely hero.  Since forums across the expanse of the growing web were now dead, many had moved to the “Support Forum” to seek solace or to rant at the poor tech guys trying to resolve the situation.  I drifted on to it and browsed away, amused by the relentless insults most likely conducted by those that were being paid to work but already suffering classic internetaholics symptoms.  One character stood out, he was keeping himself content during the outage by posting witty comments in between the moans and groans.  I took the cue and brought out my finest material, which lead to some fun-filled banter, a few private messages and an invite to join his forum.  He was “admin”, I was already swooning at his authority!

Some context, I grew up in a sheltered middle-class family and attended an all-girls school.  My significantly older sister and her ever changing upgrades (or downgrades) of boyfriends had instilled a general wariness of male relationships.  Combine this with my lack of boy interaction and the resultant was a perceived cavern between myself and those alien testosterone filled humans.  In addition my previous internet exploits had amounted to Harry Potter based fan fictions, which are definitely not the common haunts for teen boys.

Flash forward to my invite to HIS forum and I about wet myself!  That buzz still is deep within me...

Did I mention, this forum was not just any forum; it was a band forum - cue teenage swoon!

And this random admin guy was not just any old admin guy, he was the DRUMMER for said band– cue teenage FAINT!

So started a friendship and my first ever pseudonym.  Everyone knows that every modern day fairytale requires a donkey, and so that was my rank and he was the knight, dashing and witty.  He introduced me to his forum but only under my alias to a gaggle of 30-somethings killing time at work.  Some of them were band members, some of them “fans” and the forum was a hive of daily activity which I partook in.  However, behind the scenes was were the knight showed his true colours, during school days we’d publically banter on the forum (as school had yet to block it) but it was on my return to home I’d sneak on messenger and spend hours chatting costing my parents a tidy fortune and many heated rows.  This wasn’t meaningless drivel exchanged, it was witty and poetic.  He really had an art for words and I revelled in the challenge of keeping up with his artistic mind.

I’ve yet to mention the real dark cloud in this, and you may have already sensed it.  I was a mid-teen, only just 16 and he was in his 30’s.  On recollection and in his defence, I think I lied to begin with and added a few years on – probably believing he wouldn’t listen to the world of a 16 year old.  I vaguely recollect the day I revealed to him my lie; there was disappoint followed by a general acceptance that we could be friends on the condition it was our little secret saving him the embarrassment.  Deception online was easy, and did it really matter if I was 18 or 16 – in my mind it didn’t and his friends would know no different.  I tend to speak with wisdom beyond my years and thus the verbal restriction of the internet was an ample concealment of my true number. 

To be honest, our little secrets made it all the more captivating.  We had little in-jokes and soon flirtation was weaved between the lines but it was oh so innocent.  It was bound to happen, we spent so much time talking, we exchanged numbers and I remember vividly texting him from the top of the Parthenon in Greece and cheeking mobile exchanges while in class – it was positively rebellious for me! And did I mention he was in a band!

Every girl needs a band crush, many girls swoon to the tune of a teenage band only just emerged from their parent’s garage.  But here was I, a “groupie” to an already established band who had been lucky enough to play Glastonbury!  I was cool, my friends thought I was cool and there was even some envy that I was on the inside and the acquisition of further groupies from my friendship group.  But I failed to see the cracks, this was a band that had peaked and was now slowly disbanding, they had got real jobs now and the glow of idealistic belief that a record contract was around the corner had worn off.

In fact during my time as a fanatic groupie the band officially disbanded!  But please don’t fret, it was all okay – he had another band!  I could now be insane stalker-groupie to them instead!  The forum remained active and life continued much as normal...

Meanwhile the veil of secrecy surrounding us started to slip.  I had made some friendships with the other members now and they had not only figured out I was younger than I proclaimed, they had also seen that the knight had grown fond and protective of me.  They encouraged me even more so to come to the south coast where they were based to see the band (pre-disbanding) or for drinks.  I’d yet to even officially go in a drinking establishment with my parents let alone travel to foreign fields and grace one with technical-strangers.  The knight never asked me to these group gatherings, although we did wistfully discuss meeting just the two of us on many occasions but I think we both knew it to be a hopeless fantasy.

My relationship with the knight also sparked an unhealthy new skill – internet stalking!  This was pre-facebook days so one had to be far more sneaky.  After hearty conversations about our lives, I soon had enough information to track down his ex (uh-oh).  It came out that he was just out of a rough on-and-off relationship with the manager of their band (!), and I guess I took it upon myself to track her down and assess the competition.  In my head she was some kind of evil princess, ravishing  but commanding.  In reality, she was just a girl – the kind of girl that drinks and smokes a lot and is at all the latest party scenes – rather bohemian.  I couldn’t compete with her party self, but I never felt I had to.  Occasionally I’d note a change in his demeanour and more than once she had been the cause, an early warning that going out with people in your friendship group is always a risk!  Even though she was no threat, I did take it upon myself to know as much about her as possible – made easier by a forum she frequented to air her dirty laundry on an almost daily basis.

I never told him I did this, and in some respects I am ashamed I did stalk this girl but I had this urge to know more about how he ticked.  I did discover many things, but I shielded my eyes to them.  For the knight was divine in my eyes, his armour buffed and shiny.  The truth really was more a dulled battered tin man, not in a negative wa,y just a realistic view, and he never portrayed himself as anything more than this but I and my wistful mind painted an altogether brighter picture.  I was for him an escape from a dull job and a monotonous life.  I tuned out the fact he smoked and drank and just focused on those delightful words that emanated from his finger tips.

But the ever-growing knowledge of me, my reality and the friends we now shared began to strain things.  He initially said work was becoming busy so we couldn’t talk anymore during work hours. I held out to the hope that I would hear from him in the evenings or weekends, he even cammed (a novelty back then) with his (maybe our) friend and we giggled into the late hours. But soon I never saw him online; no internet in his flat was the excuse – understandable in the days of expensive dial-up. Texts used to cost a lot explaining in my mind why I didn’t get much of a reply now but his emails grew less and less frequent.

One day in early summer I realised it had been a month of no contact... I took the step to delete his number. I sent an email, a nice inquisitive one and got a reply a few weeks later but something had disappeared...

The spark... there were moments that I know my naivety had missed and in retrospect  with more wisdom filled eyes I should have seen the signs that our romantic innocent  relationship had more dark undertones and sexual tension but I really was just too slow on the uptake!

I was young... too young for him ... Our 7 months of fun and innocent flirtation had opened my eyes.  I had a new found trust in men and in many ways I wish I could thank him for that but in others I know that it ran its course.  To be frank I almost forgot this initial step on my evolutionary journey into relationships and I do not think of it often apart from when I hear one of his songs come on my music player or when I rifle through my collection of DVDs and see The Fisher King staring back at me, one of his many educated introductions into my life and a film I will always love. 

I remained friends with his friends for a while; they even added me on facebook (!) and commented on how my life is progressing.  I noted only recently two had culled me but I remain friends with one, and maybe part of me hopes that remained connection will lead the knight to pop up in my friend requests.

The likelihood is he won’t but I do wonder if he ever thinks back to those long deep conversations and those moments of true compassion we shared...

We never met, I don’t regret this – it probably would have resulted in hurt on both parts, but I must admit this writing is inducing a fleeting dream of randomly bumping into him in later life.  With a more confident head on my shoulders, experience and success in my back pockets and a general thankfulness for that time we shared, I think we could have a giggle and laugh as we once we did...

But life is just an ever changing conveyer belt of people and places and I can’t press the reverse button, just got to keep stepping forward. 

And if it wasn’t for that handsome knight and his band of merry men trying to get a break I would have never entered the newly erupting world of Myspace and the next chapter in my journey of internet discovery....


UPDATE: Sometimes Windows Media Player has psychic tendancies - a choice of over 10,000 songs and cue one of their old tracks just as I click publish! FREAKY!